Sam and Lara were downstairs in the
living room making light conversation. I
was upstairs in my bathroom, staring at my reflection in the mirror. Even though I wore my best suit and tie, my
appearance seemed different and jaded.
The reflection in the mirror was not of a man I knew a week prior. This was what the reflection of a widower
looked like. I wasn’t sure if I could go
through with the eulogy at her funeral.
But it was the right thing to do.
She deserved that much. I had to
push through.
I heard the doorbell ring a moment
later, so I decided to go downstairs. I
opened the front door to find Mitchell Raines standing there. He was dressed in a black suit with a blue
tie. I wasn’t sure why he had come to my
house. What bothered me more, was the
look that drooped on his face when he saw me open the door.
“Mitchell. I thought we were going to meet at the-“
“Yeah.”
He interrupted, looking down at himself.
“I’ve got some news.” He continued.
I looked down and in his hand was a
holstered gun and badge. I suspected it
was mine.
“C’mon in.” I said.
I led him inside, down the hallway to
the kitchen where Sam and Lara were.
“Hey cap.” Sam said.
Mitchell gave a nod and then looked at
Lara, while I stepped forth with the introduction.
“Mitchell, this is Lara Matthews. Lara, this is Captain Mitchell Raines from
our department.” I said.
“Nice to meet you ma’am.” He said.
“You too Captain.” Lara said, shaking his hand.
“She’s a marine. You better watch your mouth or she’ll kick
your ass.” Sam said, with a mouth full
of chips.
Mitchell chuckled lightly, afterwards
turning to me.
“Marty, can I talk to you for a
second?”
“Sure.”
I said.
We walked through the newly replaced
patio door and onto the deck. I closed
the door behind us.
“Marty, there’s no easy way to tell you
this, but I thought you should know before the funeral.” He said.
“Okay?”
I said.
There
was hesitation and sadness in his voice.
It wasn’t the usual over-bearing tone he had in the past.
“We got Jeniveve’s autopsy back this morning.” He said.
“And?”
I said.
“They found conclusive evidence stating
she died from her injuries inflicted by Darren that night. I won’t get into the details surrounding
that, other than that it was obvious she put up a hell of a fight. She held out long enough for you to get
there.
“Yeah.”
I said, looking down fighting back the tears once more.
“But there was something else.” He said.
I looked back up at him and his face
had changed, just as mine had. He wasn’t
the same person I knew a week ago.
“She was pregnant.” He said.
The words felt like piercing knives
into my stomach that began to twist. My
breath left me. I fell to my knees and
the tears won the fight upward. I buried
my face in my hands and began to sob uncontrollably. I could hear Sam and Lara running for the
patio door. They came out quickly to see
what had happened. Sam knelt next to me
trying to lift me from the deck.
“C’mon buddy, let’s get you
inside.”
Mitchell and Lara soon followed.
Sam sat me on the couch and then sat
down next to me.
“What’s happened?” She asked.
Sam and Lara looked at Mitchell for the
answer, but he didn’t give it in time.
“She was…pregnant.” I said, crying.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry Martin.” Lara said, sitting down next to me.
Sam was speechless. I don’t think he knew what to say. I didn’t either.
“The doctors said she was four to five
weeks along. It’s possible she didn’t
even know. I’m sorry man.” Mitchell said.
I nodded to him with my face still in
my hands. My breath slowly started to
return. I looked up slowly. I could taste my tears. My nose was running and my cheeks were
soaked. I don’t think I’ve ever felt
worse in my life. I didn’t think it was
even possible to experience this level of sorrow.
Jeni and I weren’t actively trying for
a baby. We had talked about it from time
to time, but never established a sort of time table for having a child. Both of our jobs kept us busy, like anyone
else. I was constantly working late on
the force, while she had clients coming and going. I doubt she had known she was even
pregnant. That wasn’t the kind of
information she would’ve kept hidden from me.
Lara was rubbing my back, trying to
bring me back to some sort of comfort level.
Sam sat next to me staring sympathetically, while Mitchell knelt down
beside the coffee table in front of me.
“Marty, you can take as much time off
as you need. But, it’s time I returned
these to you…Lieutenant.”
He
laid the holstered gun and badge on the coffee table. Sam and Lara both waited for a reaction from
me.
“What about her case?” I asked, trying regain my composure.
“What about it?” He said.
“I want it.” I said.
“It’s closed for now Marty. Darren’s dead and we have no evidence that suggests
anyone else was involved.”
“My father is…somehow.” I said.
“Dayton
“No way. What would ever make you say that?” He asked.
“Jeni told me. Right before she died.” I said.
Mitchell sighed and looked down for a
moment.
“Marty, Darren was a small-time crook
who got in over his head. The loser got
what he deserved. You’re going to be
better off figuring out a way to move past all this. You’re a good cop. One of our best. Don’t taint your reputation by going after
your father. He’s still very respected
by the department.”
“The harder they fall.” I said, starting forward.
Mitchell stood up quickly.
“It’s over Marty. That’s an order. I’m sorry.”
I looked into his eyes. I was angry at him for turning his back like
this. Nevertheless, I did understand his
point of view. I couldn’t tell him about
the phone I had found on Darren, much less the phone calls he made beforehand
to Jeni. And, I sure as hell wasn’t
going to give him the files I had on my father either.
“When you’re ready to come back in the
field, Sam will be with you. You’ll be
partners once more, until the dusts settles from all this.” Mitchell said.
“I’ll see you at the funeral.” He concluded.
The church was warmly lit under the
cloudy sky. There was a single isle down
the center and rows of benches filled with people on each side. I sat in the front row just to the left of the
center isle. Next to me was Lara and
then Sam. Behind me sat most of the police
officers and staff from our department.
The rest of the place was filled with faces I recognized, as well as
some I didn’t. Jeni’s parents would be
here too if they were alive. Jeni’s
casket was positioned at center stage, in front of the altar, with many flowers
resting on top, surrounded by four candles on pedestals. The murmurs from the crowd began to grow
quiet when a priest came out and stood in front of the podium.
“My friends, we are gathered together
on this somber day to pay farewell to one of our own, Jeniveve Winter…”
The priest’s words began to fade, as my
mind became lost in surfacing memories of her.
I imagined that I was back at home resting in my bed on a warm Saturday morning. Jeniveve was slowly waking next to me. I would watch her for hours asleep. She wouldn’t notice, and if she did, I would
pretend I had just woke up myself. She
would move closer to me, putting her leg across mine. She would kiss my cheek, say good morning,
and then she would nestle her head on my chest just beneath my chin. Sometimes I would tickle her and she’d laugh,
begging me to stop. Afterwards, she’d
straddle me and we’d make love for what seemed like hours.
I suddenly felt a nudge in the arm from
Lara next to me. I looked over and she
was telling me with her eyes to go forward.
It was my turn to speak. It was
my turn to say goodbye to my wife. I got
up slowly. I could feel the crowd’s eyes
behind me following my every step. I
stood in front of the podium for a moment and looked up. Everyone in the church was staring at
me. It was very unsettling.
“I’d like to thank everyone for coming
out here today. It means a lot to
me. And to Jeni. I’m reminded of one her favorite quotes by
Alfred Souza. He once told us to love as
though we have never been hurt before and to live as though heaven is on
earth. I haven’t quite figured out how
to do that because my heaven was taken from me.
The earth I see now is different and somehow colder. The fire that kept me warm has gone out.”
Just then, one of the back doors to the
church opened and my father slowly walked in.
Most of the crowd didn’t notice.
“But if Jeni were here today, she
wouldn’t have said that. She’d say that
I was being negative or that I was focusing too much on the bad side of
things. Because that’s who she was…a
person of optimism. She’d say to worry
about the things you can change, and how you alone can make a difference in
your own life. Jeni had an open heart to
all those who surrounded her. And she
found hope for those who had lost it.
All of you showing up here today, is a reflection of that.”
I looked down at her casket once more,
and the tears began to surface again. I
fought hard to hold them back, but the crackling in my voice was giving me
away. It was useless to fight. I looked at Sam and then Lara who both began
to have watery eyes. This of course made
matters worse for me.
“A few days ago, I was involved in a
bad car accident. My left arm was
broken, as were a few of my ribs. One of
lungs was punctured, and I was within an inch of losing my life. A stranger came to my aid that night. A woman.
She called for help and pulled me out of my wrecked car before it caught
fire and exploded. She waited with me
until the paramedics got there. This
woman saved my life that night. I’d like
to believe that this is proof to me that Jeni would’ve wanted me to go on
living. I’d also like to think that she
found a way to give me hope in one of my darkest hours, through a stranger I didn’t
know. I’m proud to say that this
stranger is now a dear friend of mine named Lara. She sits there in the front row, next to my
partner Sam.”
Lara looked up at me in tears, trying
to put forth a thank you smile. Sam put
his arm around her, trying to comfort her.
“Lara
is proof to me that Jeni would’ve wanted me to go on. To go on living as if she were walking in the
steps beside me. I’ll prefer to remember
her, not by how she died, but by how she encouraged us all to live, in this
place she thought of…as heaven. Thank
you.”
I stepped away from the podium, and
walked down to the casket. I reached
over and touched its cold surface and thought, ‘goodbye my love, and
Godspeed.’ I walked back to my seat on
the bench. I could still feel the
crowd’s eyes following me. Lara hugged me and Sam put his hand on my shoulder
after I sat down.
The
ceremony ended a little while later. We
carried her casket out of the church and placed it into the hearse. Afterwards, people began to make their way
out of the church. There was a long line
of cars that followed us to the cemetery.
The headlights and orange flags seemed to go back for miles. Upon arriving at the burial site, the priest
said a few more words before everyone started to walk away quietly. Sam, Lara and I were the last ones to
leave. We headed back to our car when I
noticed my father standing next to it.
“You
did a good job at the church, son.” He
said.
“Thanks.” I said.
Sam
and Lara got into the car and closed the doors.
I stood outside of the car with my hands in pockets waiting for him to
speak.
“Jeni
was a great kid.” He said, looking out
over my shoulder at the casket.
“Everyone loved her.”
“Not
everyone.” I said.
My
father’s eyes shifted back to me, as if he was surprised by what I had said.
“There’s
something you’re not telling me Dad. If
I find out that you were involved in her death, so help me God…” I stopped what I was saying. There was no need for me to finish the
sentence. I opened the passenger-side
door and put one foot inside the car.
“I
would never hurt Jeni, Marty. You know
that. I’m your father for Christ’s
sake!”
I
turned back toward him. He was glaring
at me with serious eyes.
“We’ll
see, won’t we?” I said.
“You
should know too, that I’m going to your mother’s funeral in Chicago
I
hesitated for a moment looking at him.
“I
told you once already. As far as I’m
concerned, my mother died fifteen years ago.”
I said, getting into the car.
“Drive safe.” His face fell with
disappointment as I closed the car door.
I
felt guilty saying that to him. But my
anger had consumed me for far too long regarding the acts of my mother. A part of me could understand his compassion
for her. After all, he was the one who
married her. There was still love there,
even though her actions had driven them apart many years before.
“Marty,
I hope you don’t mind me asking…” Lara
started. “But, I take it you’re not on
good terms with your mother?”
“That’s
right. She was an alcoholic who left my
father and I fifteen years ago. I
haven’t seen or heard from her since. I
had no idea where she was. Apparently in
the last week, she died.” I said.
“And
you’re not going to the funeral?” She
asked.
“Nope.”
“Well,
it must be hard for your father. You
don’t think you should be there for him at a time like this?”
I
saw Sam look over at me out of the corner of my eye.
“Not
until I figure out the reasons behind Jeni’s death.” I said.
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